“You’re here to save my what?” Rigabold the pernicketness asked the men in front of him.
He thought he was sitting quietly near by the river having breakfast and minding his own business. He also thought that a sensible human could have seen that was what he was doing and therefore would not have seen the need to interrupt that. But the two men standing before him and blocking his sunlight were either oblivious to his requirements, or they were ignorant and stupid. Given some of the other run ins he’d had with humans since arriving on Earth Rigabold was prepared to err on the side of ignorant and stupid.
“We’re from the Festival Of Life and we are here to save your soul” the shorter of the two suited men repeated himself almost as if he was a robot with a single speech programmed into him.
Rigabold knew what a soul was, well at least he knew what some Earthlings thought a soul was, Tumcuddulan’s had long ago solved the problems of the afterlife and to them souls were not something that could be saved or killed, or whatever the two men thought would happen if Rigabold suddenly stopped listening to them.
His question of the men actually had nothing to do with wanting an answer, he just knew from his studies that answering a question with a question was something that seemed to irk a lot of humans. Whether the men in front of him were irked by such a thing he didn’t know, but going by the response of the small man Rigabold knew he wasn’t going to get rid of them easy.
“And what do you plan to do with it?” Rigabold asked with a straight and dead serious face.
“Do with what, sir?” The taller man asked.
Rigabold knew that the two numpties before him were Mormons or some other such organised religion. The sort of numpties not content to simply wait for sheep to flock to their church but preferring to go out to the people and try to herd wayward lambs into their bosom where they could then corrupt them and have them praying to an all seeing magical mystery man in the sky.
The fact that the taller man reacted to Rigabold’s question they way he did also proved that the men had been all but programmed to say what it was their ‘leader’ had told them. But to Rigabold the biggest thing it revealed was that confusing the men was not going to be difficult.
“What do you plan to do with my soul once you’ve save it?” Rigabold asked still keeping a straight face.
“We don’t plan to do anything with it sir.” The small man replied almost as if they were taking turns.
“Then why would you want to save it?” Rigabold knew short questions with little detail had more chance of keeping the two men off track and hopefully confusing them enough to leave him alone.
The two men looked at each other, no words were spoken between them but the looks on their faces told Rigabold his little game was working. He then noticed the taller man nod to the shorter man and then they both turned back to him and the taller man began to speak again.
“Sorry sir, but I think you may have confused what we said.”
“No I didn’t. I understood clearly. You wanted my soul, but you didn’t say why.”
The ball bounced back to the shorter of the two. “No sir we want to invite you into the Festival of Life. We want to invite you into our family.”
“That’s right,” the ball bounced quickly back to the tall man and Rigabold wondered if that was part of the script or if they were some how breaking ranks. “Once you are within our family we can save your soul.”
“Save it from what?” Rigabold butted in as the ball bounced again.
“From the evil and the corruption that living in today’s world can cause.” said the little man as if Rigabold was silly for not realising such a thing already.
“Really?” Rigabold’s response was one of genuine shock. He’d read about people who spent their days trying to convert people to cults, sects and even just religion. Their ways were many and varied but the excuse he’d just heard took him by surprise. “And how do you plan to achieve such a thing?”
The tall man jumped straight back into script. “Our leader will show you the path to enlightenment. He will show you the path to free thinking and he will show you the path to make you a better you.”
“That sounds interesting, although I am the best me I can be. How is it achieved?” Rigabold asked still toying with the men.
“Through scripture, through re-education, and through the advanced learnings of our esteemed leader.” The little man said stuck firmly on script.
“And all this is managed by one person?”
“Yes sir.” the conversation bounced yet again back to the taller man.
“Well why didn’t he just come out with you this morning and he could have already saved me.”
Rigabold couldn’t help but feel the fun was running out of the situation and that if he didn’t end it soon the two men before him would talk all day without a second thought.
“Oh sir, he is way too busy with our congregation to be walking the streets.” Said the smaller man.
“So he sends out the peons to convert the sheeple in the street?”
“No sir. We are not peons. We are all free to come and go as we please.” The conversation again bounced back to the tall man.
“And you can damn well go back where the hell you came from and stop annoying my customers!” This time the voice belonged to the lady who had served Rigabold his breakfast who had come out and in an angry tone spoke to the men who she obviously knew. “Get the hell out of her now before I call the police on you for harassment.”