The human body is a strange thing some times. Since leaving home to go and rescue Nick from the evil drug lord with a potty mouth I hadn’t thought too much about food, we’d had a few snack bars and some water but that was it. However when we got back to Halls and the first mention of food came up as Matthew and I were leaving the police station I couldn’t think of anything but food. It was about sixteen hours since we’d eaten but suddenly for those five minutes between the station and home I felt like I could have eaten the arse out of a low flying duck. Thankfully though we don’t have many ducks in this neck of the woods.

So when we got home the first port of call was to find food. Actually that’s not quite true, the first port of call was to teach my dear brother how to park. Now I realise that his rented four wheel drive was in the shed where the Beast would usually park, security and all that, and that meant the Beast got relegated to outdoor parking. I also realise that I don’t have painted white lines on the ground to make it easy and give him a target to park between like city folk seem to need…and still often miss. But honestly I thought giving the young lad a job to do that had a difficult rating of maybe five out of ten he would ace it, but apparently not. Here’s what happened.

Matthew had driven the short distance from town to home, as well as driving the Beast from the airport while I drove Nick’s cop truck. He pulled into the driveway, which as I’ve told you before is dirt and three or four times the length of what most city blocks would have. At the end of the driveway the track forks off to the right, slightly, for the house and to the left, and goes about thirty metres to the shed where the Beast usually lives. Because I don’t have the green, green grass of home, I then have a fairly barren area where little grows and amongst the tree stumps and logs there is room to turn a road train around without running in to anything.

Moments before we got to the fork in the driveway I hear.

“Where do you want her parked?”

“Park her over under the awning on the shed. If all goes to plan she wont be going out again today. Thanks.” Was my reply.

Now I figured that reply was both detailed enough, clear enough to be understood, and polite enough to be followed, but apparently I was wrong.

Now remember I said the driveway forks off to the left for the shed, well Bungle Brain driving obviously forgot that, or he was caught up thinking about how wonderful his sister is because instead of forking off to the left he forked off to the right. And yes, I know what you are thinking, it’s the same thing I was thinking. How could he FORK it up so badly!! Boom! Boom!

Anyway…as soon as I realised what he was doing I said. “Where are you going? I had the shed built over there. Haven’t you been here before?”

“I know where the shed is doofus.” Matthew replied, still heading down the wrong track.

Now as I mentioned I don’t have grass, it’s kind of hard to grow up here in the stinking hot weather where we only have one wet season which lasts for a few weeks and the rest of the year we get more water from lost city dwellers tears than from the sky. So if dear brother had of stopped, corrected his turn and cut back to the shed it wouldn’t really have mattered because despite their being tracks they were only there because that was the path most often taken, other paths could be used if the need arose. However Matthew again seemed to be ignoring the obvious.

“Well if you know where the shed is why are we going off on this magical mystery tour?” I replied hoping we could break into a Beatles sing along to pass the time.

We were moving slowly, he was at least driving sensibly even if he was going the wrong way, and by this time I could see what he was doing I just didn’t know why.

“C’mon, roll up, roll up, for the magical mystery tour!” I sung.

“Shudduap goose!” Matthew said, he wasn’t mad and I could tell he wanted to me to sing some more, but I decided not too.

“I’m a goose? You are the one taking us on a tour when I clearly remember suggesting we should park the Beast and go inside for some lunch.”

“I am parking it.”

“Where? On Mars?”

It was then that Matthew came up with a line that had me laughing for no apparent reason. “You know if an alien did visit here from the planet Tumcuddula I would happily let him probe you and take you away with him!”

I had no idea what he was talking about and told him to get on with the job at hand.

So what he actually did was this. Instead of forking off to the left, he forked off to the right and drove right around the house. There wasn’t a defined track there but there was plenty of room. His theory was that if he drove around the house and came at the shed from the opposite angle he’d be able to drive forward and reverse the Beast straight back under the awing. Okay the theory was sound, even if it took him three goes to get the old girl straight.

Once he tuned the engine off I looked at him and casually asked. “Instead of taking us on that magical mystery tour, as lovely as it was, why didn’t you just nose the truck up to the side of the house and reverse straight back like I usually do?”

Well to say the look on Matthew’s face as his tired brain suddenly realise exactly what it knew all along but seemed to have forgotten when he needed to access it was priceless would have been an understatement.

Previous Outback Rescue story here.