I bet you’ve read the stories, I bet you’ve seen the movies and I bet you’ve seen the reports on the news. Even if you don’t seek them out the stories have been there for years and they always seem to reoccur in a timely fashion as the years go on. While in each story the names often change the details always seem to be the same. What am I talking about? I’m talking about rock stars. I’m talking about how it takes very little these days to find a story about a rock star who has taken things to excess, taken things to the extreme, or taken things over the edge.
It does seem to be common place today for many of these stories to have happy endings, the sort of endings where the fog lifts, some kind of light is seen and in a miracle of miracles the bad boy, or girl, is reborn as a new soul. Some seek forgiveness for their past, while others preach that ‘you too can change’, while others again just get on with their lives whether it be the life they started out with or a new life as far away from their previous life as possible..
So what is going to make this story different from all the other rock stars with a dark streak stories out there? Probably nothing. Nothing I did was original, nothing I did, despite my thoughts at the time, was unique. I wasn’t a carbon copy of someone else but I also wasn’t breaking new ground, at times I was barely even walking the ground broken by others, if anything I was crawling it.
And now I guess some of you could be asking something along the lines of “what makes you think I want to read about another out of control rock star?” Well the truth is that I don’t think such things. I don’t expect anyone to read this. In fact I don’t care if nobody reads it. I’m not doing this to change peoples lives, that is up to people as individuals, not one rock star with a story to tell. I’m not doing it to glorify a life of excess. And I am certainly not doing it to make people feel sorry for me. Not at all. If anything I’m doing it to stop me feeling sorry for myself!
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t spend my days wallowing in self pity but that doesn’t mean I don’t visit Sorrowville from time to time, some days I even remember to come back. It’s these trips to Sorrowville that I am told will happen less frequently and for less time the more I write about what I did and the more I think about what lead me to this point. Whether that is true or not I may never know but what else have I got to hang on to?
I remember reading, maybe a thousand times, words like, “if you remember the 60’s, then you weren’t there”. Then in the 80’s that changed a little to be something like, “this is a totally true account of my life that no one else, who was sober, remembers the same way as I do, but it did happen.” Then in the 90’s and 2000’s those words seemed too often to change to. “This story is dedicated to my fallen rock brother, or sister.”
I’m not for a second suggesting that those statements are wrong, or that the people who spoke them were lying in some effort to sell their own stories, or make things seem worse, that is their own cross to bare. However I am flat out telling you with no hint of a lie that I remember everything. Whether that’s got something to do with the way I am made or pure luck I can not tell you but I remember the highest of highs. I remember the lowest of lows. And I remember just cruising along somewhere in the middle looking for the next ride in either direction.
Something else I remember is each and every one of those people who changed my life. There was those who changed it for the better, which sadly only numbered a few over the years, and those who didn’t. Of course those who didn’t change my life for the better stand out the most, even in a damaged mind like my own. They were the sort of scumbags that were only interested in getting themselves ahead. They were the sort who saw me, my talents and my success as their meal ticket, and the sort who knew the more fucked up they could get me the easier it was to take what they wanted, when they wanted it.
Also, I feel that I must mention, before this story starts, that these words are not in any way intended to bring down those who did step on me, use my state or my success to their advantage, or just fuck me over with no consideration for my well being. No not at all. I wont shy away from naming names, I wont be pressured to change names to protect the guilty and I wont back away from listing the companies or those who ran them. As far as this story goes chips shall fall where they fall and I will not be responsible for their clean up, I’m already occupied cleaning up my own messes.
One final thing before this story starts. I may be handy with a pen. I may in my days been capable of stringing words together that have changed the way some people think. I may even have been critically acclaimed for some of the words I’ve penned. However I am not a writer, not an author and I don’t tell stories so if the story at times within these pages appears disjointed or jumbled I take all responsibility for it, but do not apologise.
MS. Aug 2012