alien, Daily Prompt, dreams, events, humor, serial fiction, writing

Rigabold: My Perfect Body

When Rigabold the pernicketness stepped out of the Molecule Mangler he looked like a Hemsworth. It was the “good” Hemsworth which meant it wasn’t an entirely bad thing but at the same time it he knew he couldn’t wander around Australia looking like someone as famous and as well liked as a Hemsworth, especially the good one!

Slightly confused as to why the Molecule Mangler performed the way it did Rigabold stepped up to the control panel to inspect it. Within moments he’d worked out his mistake, it was such an noobie mistake that his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. He’d only been on Earth for a matter of linpickles, or Earth minutes, and he was already starting to make mistakes like the humans, he hoped it wasn’t a trend that was going to continue.

The problem, of course, was that he’d set the Molecule Mangler to “Complete Clone” and not “Partial Clone” as it should have been set. Cursing himself quietly Rigabold wished that the creators of the Stargazer hadn’t used so many earth terms for things, it was one thing being bilingual but when one had to master more languages and dialects than the Molecule Mangler had to mangle things weren’t always easy.

Because he couldn’t walk around anywhere, especially Australia, looking like the “good” Hemsworth Rigabold knew he had to change something. However the last thing he really wanted to do was climb back into the Molecule Mangler because changing the first time was painful, but changing a second time so quickly was just ridiculous.

It was at that moment he happened upon the best idea he’d had since he was but a wee Tumcuddulan and decided that sticking his tongue in the electricity outlet on his dad’s ship would frizz the hair on his back into a thick curly mane. What was his new idea?

It was actually a fairly simple idea, instead of climbing back into the Molecule Mangler and subjecting himself and his body to the thrashing and smashing of the machine all he had to do was stick his head in the machine. It would be a little bit awkward standing with his head stuck in the closed doors of the machine but because his jellied head was quiet flexible and pliable what he needed to do was achievable, especially if he stood with his left foot in the air. He just hoped the “good” Hemsworth had a right leg capable of holding the weight of the body up for as long as the machine needed to give him a new head.

Leaning forwards and pushing his head through the open electronic doors Rigabold reached up with his right hand to hit the ON button, but he couldn’t reach it, then he remembered the buttons were on his left not his right. Dropping his right arm he then lifted his left and felt for the ON button. He searched blindly for several minutes, but again he couldn’t find it, but he knew it was there. Closing his hand and making a fist he hit the wall, that’s when it hit him…

…right on the top of the head. The thumping of the wall beside the door was enough to shake the Molecule Mangler, that shaking was enough to dislodge the light globe which dropped directly onto Rigabold’s noggin.

“Snuckcuggerness!” Rigabold cursed wishing he could have rubbed the sore spot on his head.

It was at that exact moment, even before the light globe hit the floor of the Molecule Mangler, that Rigabold had a moment, a light bulb moment! It wasn’t that the button wasn’t there, it wasn’t even that it had moved, it was something much simpler than that.

“Snuckcuggerness Hemsworth!!” Rigabold screamed as he realised all his problems stemmed from the body he’d chosen.

The ship had been designed for him, every single part of it designed with only him in mind and Rigabold’s arms were at least half a length longer that the body he chosen. So while some Earth people might have though his chosen Hemsworth was close to perfect clearly he was an inferior model because his arms were not the ideal length.

Rigabold twisted, turned, put his foot back on the floor and pulled himself back into what closely resembled the standing position. Once back on his feet he started searching around the ship for the Molecule Mangler’s remote control. It wasn’t that it was hard to find it was just that he hadn’t put it back in it’s rightful spot last time he’d been playing with it.

After searching for longer ten linpickles, Rigabold found the remote in the toilet bowl. Now that wasn’t as bad as it sounds given that the Tumcuddulans didn’t use toilets, they had evolved well beyond needing such primitive items and therefore the bowl itself never held any water. Why the remote was in the bowl was as hard to answer as why all Tumcuddulan ships had toilets in the first place, so Rigabold didn’t bother searching for answers he just retrieved the remote and went back to the Molecule Mangler.

Spying himself in a mirror on his way back to the Mangler Rigabold couldn’t help but stop and check himself out. He’d seen the images of his chosen body on the navigation table but seeing it first hand was somehow creepier. He couldn’t quite figure out what made the “good” Hemsworth so good, he had none of Rigabold’s beautiful features, but the one thing he did know was that if what he was wearing was the “good” Hemsworth he was glad the computer hadn’t chose the “bad” Hemsworth, if there was such a thing.

Ten minutes later after much gurgling, screeching, moaning and groaning Rigabold emerged from the Molecule Mangler, remote still in hand, with the “good” Hemsworth’s body and a very nondescript face, the kind of face a thousand people could look at and not remember a single redeeming feature of.

Next job on the agenda for Rigabold was figuring out his transport whilst on Earth.


Previous episode here.
First episode here.


  1. Hell’s bells. “Snuckcuggerness!” indded.

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