“Well hello Mr. Barnes. Have you gotten yourself in a spot of bother?” Téa said as she stood next to the uniformed monkey that posed as a sheriff.
I wasn’t entirely sure if Téa was being a smart arse or if she was actually acting like a lawyer in some sort of effort to fool the sheriff. Hoping she was pretending to be a lawyer I did my best effort to act like I was her defendant.
“I’m not sure what that bother is ma’am, but I am truly sorry for any inconvenience I’ve caused.” I replied hoping not to enrage the monkey but it didn’t really work.
“He knows what he did and he knows…” Téa interrupted the sheriff mid speech so I didn’t get to hear his wonderful pearls of wisdom.
“It’s ok Sheriff, I can take him from here. I’m sure he will be much more co-operative when we reach the court house.”
I really hoped it was only a game Téa was playing because if she wasn’t I didn’t like what I was hearing. I decided to shut up and let things play out.
About five minutes later we were walking out of the station but not without a loud mouth comment from the sheriff about what he was going to do to me if I didn’t show up in court.
“Shit I’m glad to see you!” I said as we walked down the steps to the footpath. “It wasn’t overly bad in that place but the sheriff is a dick and it’s not like I did anything to deserve it.”
“That’s not what the sheriff claims.” Téa said as we reached the footpath.
“Yeah well he’s a dick and he’s pissed off because some Aussies came over here and pissed all over some silly looking silver mug. He’ll get over it!” I was letting Téa lead me as we walked but I had no idea where we were going.
“He might get over it one day but it wont be today.” Téa said.
“I don’t care how long it takes the dickhead to get over it, I’m just glad I wont have to see him again.” Téa didn’t appear to be slowing down so I changed the topic without pausing. “Where are we headed?”
“To the courthouse like I told the sheriff.” Téa responded.
“But, I thought, I assumed, I. Didn’t you just say that to get me out of the place?” I asked.
“Well yeah, I did say it to get you out of there but I also wasn’t kidding. The sheriff might act like a monkey but he’s no fool, he wouldn’t have let you go if he wasn’t certain I’d be taking you to the courthouse like I said.” Téa really was serious.
“What do you mean? What did you do?” Téa wouldn’t actually tell me what it was she had done to satisfy the sheriff that I was going to appear in court but she did assure me that she had no intention of going against his wishes. “But the charges are bogus.” I said slightly annoyed with her response.
“Then maybe you should just trust your lawyer!” she stopped and looked me directly in the eyes as she spoke.
“But you’re not a lawyer.” I said.
“Maybe not, but he doesn’t know that and I’m the best you’re going to get.” was her reply.
Half an hour later I was standing in the court, we’d just risen from our seats for the beak to make his entry feel important, Téa was beside me and at the table on the other side of the room the sheriff stood looking awfully smug. I’d asked Téa twice why she couldn’t use the dial and just get us the hell out of 1983 but all she would say was that it couldn’t be done at that time.
Such confusion when Téa was around was almost par for the course, she really was a nice person but sometimes she confused the hell out of me. But I can honestly say that no matter how confusing Téa was it just didn’t prepare me for what happened when the sheriff took the stand.
I’ll forego telling you the bit where the sheriff was asked if he would tell the truth because honestly I don’t think the wanker knew what the word truth actually meant, honestly this guy could have been a writer!
“Well I saw this redneck,” obviously rednecks in America differ to rednecks in Australia if he actually thought I was a redneck, “stealing cars down by the harbour.”
“How many cars could I steal at once?” I thought but had the sense not to say anything.
“As well as that I caught the filthy bugger indecently exposing himself down at Rosie’s bar. He had his tackle out blowing in the breeze, your honour.”
“What the fuck is he on about.” I whispered to Téa, she just told me to hush and pay attention.
“Then when I tried to arrest him, your honour, he tried to incite a riot we grievous botily harm.”
The sheriff seemed to be lathering on the ‘your honor’ bit but I figured I had a good chance of getting off that particular charge because I didn’t touch anyone’s bottom, let alone harming one grievously. Apparently the sheriff still wasn’t finished though.
“Your honour, he also stole a submarine and broke it’s periscope. And we even foiled his plan for popping a cap in the pope.” Honestly this guy was good, but he wasn’t finished. “Then we caught him trying to hold up a train to steal thirty cases of mead.”
“Shit I must be strong to hold up a train!” I thought, my mind choosing to joke rather than take this dickhead serious. But then came the kicker.
“But there is one charge your honour, that makes you feel ill. This maggot and his mates got under our guards and stole America’s cup!”
There was a collective gasp from the crowd behind me and the look on the judge’s face told me he was taking what this glorified monkey was telling him seriously. I hoped Téa knew what she was doing. The judge then spoke.
“How do you plead?”
Previous story here.