“Why aren’t you answering me Danny? I’ve been honest with you, yet when I asked you why you didn’t come looking for me when you knew where I was suddenly you go silent.” Tracey said after a few moments of awkward silence in the dining area of the rented beach side house they were staying in for the weekend.
“Because I…I didn’t,“ Danny was struggling for words, “need t…I mean, I didn’t, I couldn’t. What was the point Tracey?” Suddenly Danny found some words. “You tell me what the point was? If I turned up at Anne’s place would you have wanted to see me? Would you have talked to me?”
Danny was suddenly proud of what his mind had come up with on the spot, he might have stumbled at first but he quickly gathered himself and got what he thought was a plausible comment out. On the other side of the table Tracey quickly realised that she didn’t really have the answers to the questions Danny posed. There was a part of her that wanted to say yes, yes she would have talked to him, but the truth she know was a lot different to that. The reason she left in the first place was so didn’t think she could talk to him.
It was at that moment the words Danny spoke actually resonated in Tracey’s mind and she decided to ask Danny for clarification.
“Why didn’t you need to come looking for me?”
“What? What are you talking about?” Danny asked.
“You were about to say you didn’t need to come looking for me, but you stopped just short of the sentence. Why was that?”
Danny thought for a few moments before answering. He knew it looked worse the longer he didn’t answer but he also knew he’d nearly slipped up when he spoke without thinking about what he was saying. That was something he couldn’t let happen again.
“I don’t know what you are talking about.” He replied.
“They are they words you started with Danny.”
“No I didn’t. you must have been hearing things.”
“Danny, I’m less than two metres away I know what I heard.”
“Well you obviously heard wrong. Maybe it’s because you’re focusing on that more than you are focusing on the actual questions.” Danny wasn’t angry but he unconsciously decided to take a more aggressive stance into the conversation. “You know you wouldn’t have seen me if I did track you down at Anne’s and you are just trying to avoid saying so.”
“Okay Danny, maybe you’re right, maybe I wouldn’t have spoken to you at first, but you didn’t even try. You didn’t even come looking for me once.”
“What was the point? You just admitted you wouldn’t talk to me. In your world all I had to do was wait at home until you were ready to talk to me.”
“That’s not how it worked Danny. I was going through a lot of stuff, stuff I didn’t think you, or anyone else could help with. Whether that was right or wrong can only be judged in hindsight now.”
“Bullshit Tracey, I would have been there.”
“As I said Danny, hindsight.” Tracey paused. “After your reaction to our last miscarriage I couldn’t guarantee that and with you so close to winning the championship last year the whole team would have held it against me if your performance dropped.”
The problem with what Tracey had just said was that Danny knew in part she was right. Whether he took the news badly like he did the previous two times if his performance after getting as far as they did in the championship dropped there would have been resentment within the team. It wasn’t right, but there was a lot of people who worked had to get the team in a winning position last year and to lose that four races out from the end of the season would have left people bitter and looking for someone to blame.
“Then why didn’t you tell me after the championship, there was more than a week between the end of the championship and when you ran off.” Danny decided to ignore the part about his performance and how the championship would be effected because he knew there was too many elements of truth in what Tracey was saying and there was no point getting in a fight defending his team or his job in such a situation.
“You spent Sunday night drunk at the track. Monday you spent drunk at the workshop. Tuesday when you finally came home in the afternoon you only came home to get clothes before going back to sponsorship parties. Then I didn’t see you again until Friday because you have press interviews.”
“Okay, Okay, so I was busy celebrating with the team for a few days.”
“And I wasn’t going to take that away from you Danny, I was hurting, I was falling deeper into my own thoughts, but I didn’t want to ruin your celebrations. You’d worked so hard throughout the year I wanted you to celebrate.”
“Well you’ve got a funny way of showing it.” Danny responded half heartedly. Although Danny hadn’t noticed Tracey’s downfall he did remember that week of partying, interview and work and that his it wasn’t until Sunday night that he actually arrived home sober and that was mainly to pack a bag so he was ready to fly out the following morning for the week away with the boys.
Tracey decided to let the conversation drift off a bit at that point. Both of them knew that reaction to anything that was being said had the potential to flare something up and neither of them really wanted it.
“I’m going to make coffee would you like one?” Tracey said getting up from the chair.
Danny accepted Tracey’s offer and while Tracey busied herself in the kitchen Danny sat at the table in thought. But it was clouded thought, thoughts about many topics but thoughts that were not complete.
“What I don’t understand,” Danny looked up at the kitchen but not at Tracey. “Is, if you were so sick, so depressive, so caught up in yourself, why Anne’s?” Tracey didn’t answer immediately and Danny’s mind told him to keep going while he had the floor. “and why the pubs, drinking is not the place for someone going through depression.”
“The what?” Tracey called out from the kitchen.
“Nothing.” Danny said quickly realising what he’d said. “I was just mumbling. I’m going to have a shower don’t worry about the coffee.”
With that Danny disappeared upstairs leaving Tracey holding the kettle but saying nothing.
Previous Racing story here.