Tracey wasn’t regretful that she’d chosen the morning after their little spat to tell Danny why she’d disappeared, she wasn’t even regretful that Danny seemed to be getting angrier the more they talked, she was however regretful that it wasn’t going as well as she’d hoped.
Danny’s responses were angry responses, not overly well thought out but fed by an anger that had been building for three months which he didn’t seem to want to let go. Tracey didn’t blame him for that, and the fact that he hadn’t exploded, thrown anything or stormed out showed her that his anger management classes were working. Although she couldn’t tell him at that time without it sounding wrong or causing offence she was proud of how far he’d come with his anger issues.
Tracey waited a few moments in the hope Danny could calm himself, he wasn’t at a stage of loosing his cool but she didn’t want him to go that far.
“I know this doesn’t mean much now Danny but I do love you.”
“Then why all the fucking lies?” That time the swearing was a mistaken blurt of frustration not anger.
“Please Danny, if you keep interrupting I can’t tell you what it is I want to say.”
“Ok.” was all Danny said.
Tracey took a deep breath and started to tell her story.
“I miscarried in August last year.” The look on Danny’s was one of shock but that was all. “I wasn’t far along. Barely knew I was pregnant. Wanted to say something. Needed to wait until I was sure.” Tracey was speaking in short bursts not full sentences still struggling with the words herself.
“What? Why didn’t you tell me?” Danny replied shock replaced anger.
Tracey suddenly found her voice. “I didn’t know I was pregnant Danny, not for sure. I was waiting on the doctor to confirm it. You know the problems I’d had conceiving before, and I wasn’t going to tell anyone until I knew for sure. It’s too painful going through all that again.”
“You didn’t even tell me.” Danny said.
“You know why I didn’t tell you Danny.”
“What are you talking about?” Danny’s voice was raising in volume but he still wasn’t getting angry.
“Do I have to spell it out Danny? I was hoping it didn’t have to be like this.” Danny remained silent, whether he knew what Tracey was referring to or not he did not react. “Ok. After the last time I miscarried you trashed the house, got drunk, nearly gave up racing but worst of all you blamed me.”
“I never blamed you.” Danny grouched.
“Of course you did, right after you told me you never wanted to think about us having kids ever again.” Tracey voice was raised so she stopped to take a few deep breaths to calm herself down.
Danny knew Tracey was right, the tempers, the fighting, the anger at Tracey for her second miscarriage all happened, even if he didn’t want to admit it aloud. He also knew they were the major reasons he was forced into anger management. If it wasn’t anger management it would have been losing everything from his wife to his career.
Tracey continued with her story, explaining to Danny the events that happened around the second week of August. She was concerned about Danny’s reaction to her being pregnant after his previous outburst but she really did want to be sure it was happening before she broke the news.
Although Danny was angry and upset all the talk about his anger management had him practising his deep breathing and calming techniques. He did have questions but he also realised just how right Tracey was. He could deny the same thing wouldn’t have happened a third time but the truth was he didn’t know for sure. He didn’t actually blame Tracey for the miscarriages but the truth was during his rage he had done exactly that and after voicing such a silly thing, even when he was angry, he knew Tracey wouldn’t be able to forgive him. In hindsight he was probably lucky she stayed with him at all.
“It still doesn’t explain why you left me for three months.” Danny said after the pregnancy story lulled and he decided he wanted to focus on that instead of something that had happened months before.
“Wrong or right Danny, I still don’t know for sure, I couldn’t talk to you about the miscarriage.” She could see Danny was about to interrupt with a comment but she didn’t give him a chance. “I’m not blaming you Danny, I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to you in case you reacted the same as the previous times. I was scared Danny.” She took a breath. “My problem was that not talking got the better of me and just like when you blamed me for the miscarriage…”
“I never…” Danny tried to interrupt.
“You did, but that’s not the point. Because of what I thought problems just got the better of me. I thought I had no one to talk to so I didn’t talk I bottled it up inside until it exploded. The week you went to Japan for that exhibition race, in October, I started seeing a doctor, a psychiatrist actually.” Danny looked at Tracey but said nothing. “I was diagnosed with depression.”
Danny suddenly decided to interrupt. “Why didn’t you tell me when I got home from Japan.”
“Because you were the one who claimed mental illness was a joke. You are the one who used to say psychiatrists are just quacks who know nothing because they were only there to put you off the race track when they decided your brain wasn’t fit for racing.”
“You still could have come too me.” Danny replied with a hint of sadness in his voice.
“Could I Danny? Could I really? Think about the way you reacted. I was frightened Danny, I didn’t want to lose you because you thought I couldn’t control myself.”
“So you just up and left?”
“Believe me Danny it wasn’t that easy.” Tracey had managed to calm herself down and while she was speaking with authority she wasn’t speaking with force. “I thought long and hard about that. I left to get the help I needed. Just like you needed help to manage your anger I need help to manage my thoughts. I knew I couldn’t make you understand, so I left to get that help.”
Danny thought for a few moments, he had a lot to say but much of it seemed pointless. He wasn’t convinced that Tracey’s story justified what she’d done, the time she was away, or the fact she ignored his calls. But he’d also not been able to be there and support his wife, the woman he loved when she needed it most.
“Why Anne’s?” Was all he could think of to say.
Previous Racing story here.