Three thirsty men came into my bar
Paddy, Mick and a bloke name Gazz-a
All three of them wanted an ice cold drink
Beers all round and three glass did clink
“I’ve only got one rule, in this here pub.
Follow it or your blood off the floor, they will scrub.”
All three listened and then I said.
“Don’t get caught looking, over at Fred.
He’s a great bloke I’ve known him for years
But please don’t get caught staring at his ears.”
Fred sat at a table all by his lonesome
A nicer guy, you’ve never found one
But he often sat there crying in his beers
Because poor old Fred didn’t have any ears
“Whatever you do don’t point out what’s missing
Because good ol Fred will come out arse kicking
You might think ears are just decorative
But our earless old Fred is a sensitive.”
In less than five minutes all three were caught
Looking at Fred, my words had meant nought
“What are you looking at, you ugly moose?
You better have yourself a darn good excuse.”
Paddy thought quick for an excuse for his stare
“I was looking right at your lovely, head of hair
You wanna look after that what you’ve got installed
Other wise like me, you’ll end up all bald!”
“What about you?” He said looking at Mick.
“What you looking at, now make it quick.”
Fred was getting angry and a little irate
‘cause people staring, he really did hate
“Your hair is real nice but I was looking beneath
And I was staring at your brilliant white teeth.
Brush ‘em real well and so you can get a gold pass
Or each night like me you’ll put them in a tall glass.”
“So what’s your excuse, you little weed?”
Fred said to Gazza knowing he’d try to mislead
“I was just looking at your beautiful eyes.”
Gazza said hoping Frank could not see his lies
“Look after those eyes or you’ll be wearing eyeglasses
And just like me you get your share of harassers
Wearing glasses will make you look like a prawn
Cause you’ve got no fucking ears to hang the things on