“Know why I pulled you over, sir?”
“You wanted a kiss?” I said with a slur
But Mr Plod had forgotten his sense of humour
Maybe it’s because he was a baby boomer.
“I pulled you over ‘cause you were speeding
A Grand Prix race you must think you were leading
Treatin’ the highway like your own race track.
But I’m a nice bloke and wanna give you no flack.
So I tell ya what it is that I will do,
Give you three chances as a favour to you”
Since it is December and I’m feeling so nice
I’ll give you three chances, like a roll of the dice.
Three Christmas related things, you do need to find
And I’ll screw up the ticket, and you wont be fined.
I knew this was a game in which I would star
So I started to rat my way through the car
I knew I’d find something I just needed to look
There was no way I would end my day with a sook.
In the glove box I did delve with delight
Seeing what I needed at the very first sight
I knew I was winning and I’d beat this blowhard
“Here ya go copper it’s my first Christmas card.”
Mr Plod wasn’t happy but it was only one thing
He was awaiting two more items, for me to bring
So I picked up my bag and gave it a shake
“Here ya go copper, this is Christmas cake.
Now he was annoyed, thinking he’d made the wrong bet
And poor Mr. Plod knew he’d have to uphold his debt
There would be no ticket and freedom would be my fate
Just one more Christmas item did I have to locate
I shifted and shuffled and looked down at my feet
At that moment I knew and dived under the seat.
I must have looked like one of those American Pickers
But seconds later I emerged, with a pair of red knickers
“What’s this you’re showing me you silly fool
I asked for something Christmas, stop being a tool
Explain yourself now and make it bloody good
Or you’ll be getting this ticket, just like you should”
I had it planned and I knew exactly what to say
There would be no ticket, I would not pay
Because the knickers were christmas
And I didn’t need no witness
“Look at them carefully my dear Mr. Plod
I know you might think they look a little odd
But as sure as I am, a-riding these barrels
What you got in your hand are definitely Carol’s