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Position Vacant

Disagree with myself

Disagree with myself

So I decided to take a few days off from posting on this wonderfully user friendly platform, a platform where technical support is about as technical as it is supportive, a platform where customer service is as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike, or tits on a bull.

While I was distancing myself (and providing a blatant link to prove once again that the system is fucked) and looking at better options I was offered a job. The company offering the job (who shall remain nameless) claims to help users easily create blogs and below is the terms of employment contact I was offered. It’s a wonderful job but I think I’m over qualified, actually I think the kangaroo turd I found out in the garden is over qualified too.

 

Position Description

Position Title: Hapless Engineer
Classification: Unclassified
Department: Disinformation & Lack Of Communication
Reports to: The wall.

1.  Primary Purpose of Job.

To respond to clients emails in an untimely fashion, with no relevant information and no assistance at all. To not interact with other Happiness Engineers and to ensure support is not provided in line with company guidelines.

2. Organisation Context

2.1 Shared Vision
You will share our vision of being leading Content Management System provider, delivering a software package that barely works, is not accessible, integrates with nothing seamlessly and provides little support to end users. You will also be responsible for maintaining the company’s already low standards in customer service with your lack of knowledge and inability to interact with customers.

2.2 Core Values
None at all.

2.3 Strategic Directions
Downwards rapidly.

2.4 Liaison
Internal: No one, talking to any colleague about work related matters is a sackable offence.
External: Anyone careless enough to email the company.

3. Resource Management

3.1 Staff Management
No staff management responsibilities EVER.

3.2 Annual Operating Expenditure
None at all, you’re not even worth the wage you are paid.

3.3 Personal Responsibilities
Turn up to work every day.
Remember to inhale and then exhale repeatedly without being told.
To complete no training.
Support the delivery of no care or consideration towards clients.

4. Qualifications and Experience

4.1 Mandatory
Demonstrated incompetence in a support role.
Demonstrated lack of knowledge of websites and web technologies.
Demonstrated lack of knowledge of web servers and applicable software or hardware.
Demonstrate inability to string words together in a coherent sentence.
Demonstrate ability to pass blame in a timely and unbelievable fashion.

4.2 Desirable
Formal qualifications in something practical, like an Arts Degree.
Completion of NO technology based education courses.
Successful completion of Kindergarden.

5. Selection Criteria

5.1 Key Competencies
None.

5.2 Key Incompetencies
Demonstrated incompetence is every computer/internet based software package.
Demonstrated incompetence is web technologies.
Demonstrated incompetence in operating system. Incompetency in MS Windows and IOS highly regarded.
No experience working in a help desk environment.
No experience thinking for yourself.
No experience in being polite.
Knowledge of how to pass the buck (on to any company but ours).

5.3 Personal attributes
NONE AT ALL!
(Although government rulings dictate we have to list something)
Ignorant and condescending when replying with the written word.
No customer focus (No focus at all desirable).
Non team player.
Ability to not think.
Ability to not interact with others.

6. Other Attributes Required
Rudeness.
Poor time management.
Inability to read.

7. Duties

7.1 Email Correspondence
Must be able to navigate email software to ensure same employee never answers an email from the a client twice.
Must be able to answer in brief sentences without helping.
Must be able to answer in sentences that barely make sense.
Must be able to blame something or someone else before the end of each correspondence.
Must be able to ignore direct questions.
Must not respond to technical questions under any circumstance.

7.2 Resolve Client incidents and requests
Never.

7.3 Inventory audits
Must participate in audits as required, any employee showing an ability to assist users in any form will be removed without warning.

7.4 Provide support to other teams
Under no circumstances will employee offer to support any one, not even the toilet cleaners.

7.5 Never gain further education or knowledge
Knowledge is an unacceptable quality for all Hapless Engineers.

7.6 Other duties
Sitting in a chair.
Remembering to breathe.

8. Responsibilities
None, zero, zip.

9. Promotion prospects
Laughable.

10. Salary
Way too much for anyone with a single digit IQ.

I have read and understand the contents of this position description and hereby promise to fulfil the role of Hapless Engineer to the worst of my ability at all times. I understand to gain successful employment I must undergo a full lobotomy and failure to follow these guidelines may see me removed from my position. I further understand that if I am ever caught assisting anyone my position will be terminated without question or warning.

Employees Signature:
(X is acceptable if you are having trouble)

Date: (extremely unlikely)

8 Comments

  1. They should hire you for real because you are so passionate you would get things done. Those are treasures. I’m thrilled you’re writing. : )

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