boofheads, humor, Stories, tickles, writing

A Tickles Fairytale

Snowflake

Snowflake

*Authors note: Fuck that’s a long story! signed Tickles The Tiger

Once upon a time in a land far far away where the roses bloomed in the bright sunshine and unicorns farted rainbows there lived a little innocent tiger. He was a calm and collected little tiger, never losing his temper, always accepting the flaws in others and happily just go along with the flow. One of his favourite past times was to write, below is one of the fairy tales found in his little cave while he was out chasing a unicorn for dinner.

Rude, Shrewd and now Screwed

By Tickles the Tiger

Here’s my story, it’s said but true,
About some arseholes that like to screw
Screw me over and leave me silent
Then they wonder why I get violent

It started out as a sweet dream, he’d write for fun and share stories with everyone, but then things started to go pear shaped. For more than two weeks ago the bear suffered in the pit of steamy excrement titled Unimpres. What was his trouble? Unimpres and it’s failure to handle spam while conveniently fucking over users like him. This is one bear’s story and the three main types of Unimpres spam he suffered with.

The first type of spam Snowflake came across was comments attached to images and or posts.

Our innocent little polar bear likes comments about his writing (but he’s not one of those numpties who prefer likes and follows because he thinks writing is a pissing contest and the highest number wins). No matter how much he thought about it he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why Unimpres couldn’t come up with a better way to handle spam. Sure Unimpres and it’s affiliate Asskissme could selectively chose these “spam” messages and dump them in a spam folder…Whoopie for them. But why couldn’t a large portion of them be stopped? It was question the bear could not answer without offending someone.

In Snowflake’s world a simple check of the credentials of spammers showed him that while the names often change most of the spam originated from the same source. In his long, long years of writing he’d seen entire works by writers censored without question or explanation yet scammers and spammers had always been free to comment with their shit. In Snowflake’s ideal world Asskissme would be smart enough to globally ban such spam accounts. However it seemed to the bear that Unimpres didn’t want to ban such accounts.

The second type of spam that Snowflake had seen was on pages like the Dally Poop page, or not on the pages as it turns out.

The bear knew that many people would not consider this anything to do with spam but from Unimpres support themselves, one of the few times they had bothered to reply to the cute little bear, they had suggested it’s an over active spam filter selecting sites incorrectly. Being a clever bear he could relate to this excuse given the way the poop page worked.

However the bear did have to chuckle just a little bit when he thought about how he could be ‘spammed’ for posting a beautifully written story for the ‘dally poop’ while other imaginary people could have ten or more listings often with many sequential postings and do it day after day. Snowflake had other places to post his stories and knew poop was not the be all and end all of posting but it was there so why shouldn’t he be able to use it? Oh yeah because Unimpres couldn’t make it work for all cute little bears, all the time. Ironically enough, despite having a drone admit to him that there was an over active spam filter that drone couldn’t help Snowflake by removing his writing from the censored pile. Snowflake started to wonder if it was a case of incompetent person or incompetent system.

Snowflake had a fair idea why the over active spam filter line was a load of horse shit. He didn’t actually think there was someone sitting at a screen somewhere pressing a button to ‘spam’ random writings. However he did know there was a selective method to those writings that got ‘spammed’. He also knew that the ‘spammed for comments’ fiasco was related and used a similar such system to stop writers. It was just lucky that he wrote in the world of fantasy and that such things never happened in the real world.

That led Snowflake to the third type of spam he’d suffered ‘spammed for comments’.

Snowflake had to laugh at this one whenever he saw it. He would comment on one of his nice followers words and the message would go through, he would have a conversation through comments and the entire conversation would go through. Then at the same time on another’s words he’d post a comment and the message would get dumped in spam. Now Snowflake knew that individual sites could have individual spam settings, but what if they didn’t? How was it that one Unimpes site automatically decided his well thought out and meaningful comment was spam while another Unimpress site at the same time didn’t? The question seemed to stump Unimpres as well.

Snowflake thought he was dreaming when he got this response to his questions. “Comment on our site and if that works comment on this other site. If that works you’ve got no problems.” Snowflake looked at the response in amazement, “they conveniently read over the bit where I said that commenting is only restricted on “SOME” sites, not all sites.” he thought to himself. In his mind he knew that such a deliberate response meant they could pass off the error because in their mind users were idiots and should be satisfied with a half arsed explanation. Snowflake wasn’t satisfied!

Snowflake couldn’t help but think the help system was programmed to not allow bears like him to communicate, was the system bear-ist? The truth was, finding contact details was like trying to find himself in a snow storm and logging onto the help system only to be told “your login details are wrong” despite allowing their system to change them was just as pointless as tits on a bull. Snowflake didn’t like other pointless people wasting his precious time! However when he did finally manage to make contact he realised he had to decode the messages before he read them.

Here is the decoded version.

First response: It’s not our fault but we’ll look into it, here try these steps.
Code for: We don’t really care about your problem but here’s something to do, get back to us when you’ve done it and we’ll have another cut and paste reply for you.

Second response: Hi I’m not the same person you contacted first, please explain your problem. Please only email back if the problem hasn’t been fixed.
Code for: I’m not going to look back through the system no matter how many times you ask because then I can plead ignorance when I ask you to repeat the same steps as the first email which didn’t resolve the situation.

Third response: Hi I’m a different person again have you tried leaving comments on our special site
Code for: Eventually you’ll give up with the problem and when it starts working again hopefully you’ll think we did something.

Fourth response: Hi I’m the person who contacted you the second time. You’ll want to authorise me full access to your account.
Code for: I have no idea what the problem is but if I have full access it kind of looks like I know what I’m talking about, you wont hear from me for a week, by then I wont have any answers for you and someone else will reply to your emails.

Fifth response: Hi I’m the person you first contacted but I’m not going to admit that so please don’t look at the email address. We are still looking into this, but if we don’t hear back from you we’ll consider it resolved.
Code for: It’s been three weeks now and no one has done anything to resolve the issue and I lost the office sweepstake so I had to respond but we really hope you’ve given up in disgust and accept there is some problems we are just to dumb to fix.

Because Snowflake was a bear of his own he was a self hosted bear but he quickly worked out that being a self hosted bear in an unimpressive world meant the powers that be had themselves a pre-programmed excuse to fuck the cute bear over. “You are a self hosted bear so it’s your server causing the problem not ours.” He remembered reading on one email.

Even Snowflake knew such a response was only made to absolve Unimpres of just about everything, because they could then say shit like, “oh we think the problem is with your server because the XYZ isn’t passing the correct information to ABC.” Such a classic response was made by drones worldwide to sound like they have some technical knowledge. However Snowflake wasn’t born yesterday and he knew that if he asked them for the exact specifics of the problem so that he could check it out on his server, the drones would go silent for a week then the next person who answered his email would plead ignorant of the situation and send him back into into the loop of commenting on their test site.

Ahhh Unimpess, your logo could be a Granny Smith..

Snowflake contemplated whether he should write about his trials and tribulations, share his thoughts with others. “Usually when I write something like this one of the first responses I get from readers is “the premium package has none of these errors”, or “I’ve never suffered from them and Unimpres is super duper,” thought Snowflake as he sat at his computer and watched the cursor flash on a blank screen. “They are the sort responses that usually come from the person who follows every site just to get followers, likes people’s posts to get reciprocal likes and writes from an authoritative stance on all topics without ever showing real world evidence that they are qualified to take such a stance.” he thought, “To them having a high follower count means more than waking up in the morning and having a good dump.”

“Speaking of which, I’m off to the woods to give birth to a Unimpress tech support person!” Snowflake said as he left the room.

The End.


“Don’t worry Snowflake, I can be your voice.” thought Tickles as he typed away. “I don’t care who I offend or upset? Anyone who gets upset at a cute little tiger, with a mean streak, writing a fictitious story about a fictitious system must be the sort of person people cross the road to avoid. Well those people can feel free to spam me with their shit and dribble it’s not like Unimpress will stop it!”

“In fact I feel for you Snowflake and to show my appreciation of your efforts I’m going to stick it up those namby pamby little worms and invite everyone to have a laugh at some of the spam messages I have received this week.” Tickles thought as he typed. “I have removed all identifying markers so as not to give these annoying shitbags advertising they don’t deserve. Interesting enough the same fucked up system Snowflake named above was able to identify some of these as spam while still allowing others with the same identifying markers to go through. Yet another good system well implemented!

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Tickles sighed! “Seriously I do consider myself a wonderfully creative writer but honestly I couldn’t come up with this shit if I tried.” he said as he stared at the screen of shit. “I suppose these wing nuts really are making it difficult for people not to suspect them as spammers when they write such badly worded and badly spelt shit. People may not know what the goal of these idiots is but the way things are written should start enough alarm bells ringing to stop them for replying or authorising the spam messages.”

28 Comments

  1. Your spammy comments and replies are quite glorious.

  2. Interesting, L! I always look forward to your rants….expressing it all for the rest of us. Have a better day?

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