Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Remember how I said I kind of like my padded cell, the soft walls, the way I can bounce off those soft walls without hurting myself? Well it is true but what I don’t like it being locked in my padded cell for three days and tethered to the bed with only enough rope to go between the bed and the fucking toilet! I can’t even do any exercises, I can move my hands and feet obviously but there is not enough freedom in the rope to do sit ups, push ups or even star jumps. The sick and twisted bastards that set this place up really did understand the meaning of control. Still I guess it could be worse, the rope could be too short to reach the toilet.
So why was I locked and secured inside my cell for three days with little to do other than ruminate? Well I was actually suppose to get seven days solitary but something unexpected happened on the third day. Shall I start at the beginning or the end? Ok I’ll start at the end.
“We all lived happily ever after!”
Haha a little asylum humour for you, we all know that wont come true!
Ok back to the start. “I was born in 1971 in a little town.”
Haha more asylum humour, you’ll get used to it eventually, or just give up on me like the rest of the world.
Ok here’s the real story. Remember I mentioned that I wanted to break into the Head white ghost’s office and get a look at my files but I was lacking a plan to get me in and out without being detected? Well I’m still lacking that plan but I decided to go looking anyway. I figured the worst they could do to me was tether me to my bed for a few days if I was caught and to prove just how predictable they are they did just that. Oh that reveals the major part of the story doesn’t it, now you know I got caught breaking into his office. Oh well I’ll tell you the rest now.
Dr. Tankard, stupid name for a doctor in a place where alcoholism has been the downfall of so many people but we can’t all choose our names and I refuse to refer to him as Jay Jay because he’s asked us to do so. Yes it’s a bit of rebellious stupidity on my behalf, ignoring a request from someone who writes my sanity evaluations but the guy’s a first class tool. I’m not sure how he got his medical degree but I suspect it fell out of a box of Corn Flakes one morning at the breakfast table.
He’s the sort of guy who claims to know everything and doesn’t mind telling you he knows it. Sure as a doctor, even a Corn Flakes doctor, he must have some knowledge and therefore would know many things but it’s not unfair to assume most of that knowledge would be restricted to the medical field. But no Dr. Tankard he’s an expert on every bloody thing. Ask him why in the middle ages Vikings farted and immediately called out “UNGA RUBE SHIK” and the guy has an answer for it. Ask him why Ford made a car with a CD player after the year 2000 and he knows. Ask him how to fix pressing issues like unemployment or droughts and he has an answer. The guy is just a walking encyclopaedia of bullshit, his information outside of medical facts is less reliable than wikipedia.
We all knew therapy times and most us even knew each other’s one on one times with the doctors, strangely enough we don’t have that much to focus on in here and sometimes keeping track of days and times is our excitement. What that actually means is that I knew where Dr Tankard would be and how long he’d be there on the day I decided that without a plan I would break into his office.
To be fair to me I didn’t need to break into his office, the silly fool left the door unlocked, I don’t know if he was hoping someone would get in there or if he just forgot to lock it but given I’d not discussed my plans with anyone I had to assume he was just a moron. I do however think it was unfair that part of my punishment was for breaking in to an office when there was no real breaking that took place, oh it’s hard to argue with a ‘sane’ person.
Turning the handle I pushed the door not expecting it to open. but it did. so I went in. Standing with the closed door behind me I looked over the office, it was your standard run of the mill office, desk, desk chair, shelves of books, computer, filing cabinets, there really wasn’t anything I didn’t expect to see there. I went straight over to the filing cabinet again expecting it to be locked but it wasn’t.
I was in the middle of flicking through a bunch of files looking for my own and thinking how much easier it would be if the doctor used a standard naming convention like us ‘insane’ people would, you know a system where the patients are listed by surname first then Christian name, but no this bright spark had his setup differently. It took me a few minutes but I did work out, when I eventually found my file, how the moron sorted his files. It was by the first letter of the person who admitted the patient. In my case I was under B for bitch, oops only kidding, it was for Bernice.
Looking at my file it was huge, not surprising really given the time I’d been locked in the place. I quickly decided that the file held no real interest to me, I wouldn’t have time to read it, scanning it may miss important things and stealing it was not an option because I had nowhere to hide it. I closed the filing cabinet and turned around.
My first thought when I saw his computer was that it would be secured. The guy had told us heaps of times how great his computer skills were, he’d even made a point telling Jackson when we heard his hacking story that there was no way a hacker like Jackson could break into his computer. When I woke the machine up and it prompted me for a password I realised that even Jackson the hacker who couldn’t really hack could break the password of 87654321. Yet again our Super Doctor, who was an expert at everything, was proven wrong with a minimal amount of effort.
His account keeping skills on the computer were a quite a bit better than his filing skills and within seconds I was able to find a single folder on his computer, on his desktop actually, that had every patient record contained in it. I knew I’d hit the motherload, all I had to do was figure out what to do with it.
Instead of trying to read the files I wasted no time in looking around the desk and in draws for something to store the files on. Within seconds I found it, a collection of what looked like brand new 32GB USB drives in the bottom drawer. There must have been a dozen in there, no doubt HR had given them to him and with no idea what to use them for so he dumped them in his drawer and forgot they were there. I grabbed one and plugged it into the machine and as soon as it initialised I began copying the entire folder of files onto the drive. I didn’t check the size of the folder I just hoped it would be enough.
I watched anxiously as the progress bar moved slowly along the screen. It was at 85% when I first heard the noise at the door, it was voices, two of them. I immediately recognised Tankard’s but it took me a moment or two recognise Sophie’s. She was another patient and I knew while the doctor was talking to an inmate he wouldn’t open his office. I watched the progress bar click onto 96%. I knew escape was not going to happen, I also knew hiding, unless it was under the desk wasn’t going to work. I was caught and all I could hope for was to not be caught with the USB stick.
As soon as the figures clicked over 100% and the little progress box disappeared I yanked out the USB stick and shoved it down my pants. Don’t judge me, there is limited hiding places in the outfits they make us wear! I could see the door opening so instead of hiding I simply pulled up Tankard’s chair, sat down and put my feet on his desk.
Just for a bit of good measure and to remove the need of explaining why his computer was not in sleep mode I kicked the screen off the desk and onto the floor, only it didn’t quite make the floor before it ran out of cable. As the monitor flew off the desk, the power lead was the first to come loose, but the DVI graphics cable hung in there by it’s screws. When it came to the end of that cable it swung back and slammed into the side of the desk cracking the screen and leaving it hanging uselessly by the plug.
So that’s how I ended up in solitary for five days, I was kind of caught red handed inside the doctors office. They never even suspected I had taken the files, possibly because Tankard had convinced everyone his expert computer skills would have made that impossible, but apparently ‘not’ breaking but entering and violence towards a computer screen justifies the punishment.
Ah but alas I did tell you I was out of my five day punishment after three didn’t I? Did I suggest I would tell you why that was?
Previous Asylum story here.