The bawdy pirate captain returned home to his fair maiden, he been down at Nancy’s Tavern drinking rum with his crew. After a successful, but blurry week which saw him overpower that useless piece of man meat Tom Brady, rescue the maiden from his entrapment and secure her a castle in the air he was in need of some relaxation. It as because of all that relaxation that the fair maiden was worn our so she sent him down to the pub.
As the fair maiden with lightly tanned complexion, brownish hair that hung past her shoulders and a sweet innocent sleepy smile lay surrounded in jewels, gems and gold from her heroic pirate captain’s epic journey he was not relaxing at all he was working. He was sitting in the dingy dark corner of Nancy’s Tavern at the table where only the shadiest of deals went down, he was talking to an old man.
The old man who was eighty if he was a day, had long scraggly grey hair that hadn’t been brushed in a month and not washed in twelve of those. He wore a long dark black over coat and pants that had definitely seen better days, his boots made of a brown leather were also tattered and looked like they were about to fall apart with his very next step. The old man took a swig from his tankard of ale and gently scratched the side of his head with the hook he had for a hand at the end of his left arm. At the same time he looked directly in the eyes of the pirate captain, sizing him up and working out if he could be trusted. The old man smiled.
“Aye Capitarn! For anotha tankid of ale, and some pieces o eight, I shall give ye a map. This map be your pathway to treasure an’ gold. This map be your pathway to fortunes untold and for another tankid of ale I shall tell you of the map and of it’s tale.”
As weary as he was, because he was sitting at the shady table of course, the good captain could not refuse such an offer. Even if the offer turned out to be a map to the toilet for a few tankards of ale it was worth the cost. If the old man was being honest he could be the richest pirate captain around. He summoned his second mate to the table.
“Get me ole mate here a tankard of ale and when it hits rock bottom be sure to get ‘im another one.” the captain said loudly and proudly.
In the candle light that barely lit the table the old man slid a piece of paper across the table. A true gentleman he was the captain did not make a grab for the paper until the his second mate was placing the full tankard in front of the old man. Unfolding the ragged edged paper carefully so as not to rip it the captain began to look over what was shown on the page. Several of the landmarks he recognised, some he didn’t, one of those he didn’t know was the place where there “X” was marked.
The good captain had no thoughts of short changing the old man but with his tankard not half empty he knew a second drink was not yet in order so he sat back in his chair, relaxed and looked across the table.
“Whats are ye thinking there young cap’in?” enquired the old man between sips.
“Jus waiting for ye to finish, so the second tankard can be bought!” replied the captain.
“Ye is a good hearted soul, I trust ye so I begin the story now!”
With a nod of the captain’s head, and agreement that a drink would indeed follow, the old man told his story. He spoke about the map in detail, pointed out landmarks, pointed out hidden reefs and pointed out the exact location of the treasure. As promised when the old man’s tankard was empty it was replaced with a full one and the old man barely missed a beat as it happened.
When the story was over the captain asked. “Why me? If ye booty is so large why not make a run for it yourself?”
At which time the old man replied. “I am but an ol man, my time is nigh, I ‘ave no need for riches an’ gold, all’s I need is me tankard of beer and a bed to sleep in.”
“And when we return you shall have that!” the pirate captain said as he refolded the map gently and placed it inside his shirt. He had no doubt the treasure existed and he had every intention of living up to his promise upon their triumphant return. *
Remaining drinks were downed, tankards emptied and the pirate captain and his crew left the tavern headed straight for the castle where the mighty Privateer was moored next to the jetty belonging to the captain’s castle.
“AYE! Me lovely fair maiden,” the captain called as he entered the castle and bounded up the stairs towards the bedroom where he knew the maiden would still be laying.
Sure enough she was where he expected, laying on the bed, the same bed they had shared every night since he’d rescued her. What he didn’t expect was to find her laying naked on the bed covered in jewels and gems.
“Aye, me horny fair captain,” She’d even started speaking like a pirate without consciously realising it. “Take me now, take me on this bed of gold. Have ye ways with me!”
Yet again the sight of his naked fair maiden did strange things to him and before he knew what he was doing his pants were hitting the floor. When his cutlass hit the stone floor at his feet with a clang the spell of his naked maiden was broken and he remembered what it was he’d rushed home for.
“Aye my lovely, ye are but a sight for sore eyes. Ye are but someone to be ravished but I must leave at once. A booty of treasures and gold the likes ye’ve never seen await.”
“Take me with you!” she cried leaping out of bed and and running towards him.
His pants were still on the floor having not had time to yank them up before his speech, but the fair maiden didn’t care, she leapt at him from six feet away. Becoming adapt at catching her in mid flight the pirate captain grasped her around the waist as her legs wrapped around him.
“Take me with ye or have ye way with me.”
“Argh, the treasure it can wait.” he said as he carried her the few steps to the bed, gently laid her down, waited for her to shuffle back onto the bed a few inches then crawled between her bare open legs and began looking for a different kind of treasure.
Twenty minutes later a proud looking captain walked onto the dock with his smiling fair maiden under his left arm, they were both dressed. He looked upon the progress the crew had made preparing his ship and as she rocked gently against her moorings he looked for his second mate for a progress report. The ship was indeed ready, the galleys were stocked, the decks were swabbed, the gun deck was lined with glimmering black canons, and the hold was stocked with enough ammunition and weapons to sink a dozen battle ships.
“We set sail on the high of the tide, three hours from now!” the pirate captain called across the docks for all to hear. “Be sure ye are ready or we shall go without ye!”
*See not all pirates are scum sucking bottom dwelling thieving bastards, some are nice!