Last night when I closed my eyes I saw black, not just black but pitch black. Now you might not think that’s too strange but have you ever taken any notice what you see with your eyes closed? Unless you are somewhere like the bush with no moon even through closed eyes light penetrates. It varies depending on what is around you but everything from digital clocks to room lights, even street lights coming through the cracks in the blinds will penetrate your closed eyes. It’s may not be enough light to keep you awake, blind you or even bother you but it’s a noticeable difference when you know what to look for. So why was the blackness in my closed eyes so strange last night? Let me explain.
When I went to bed last night HE was in the living room watching TV and chatting on his computer, he does that until the wee hours of the morning, although there is less TV watching and more chatting than he likes to admit. I don’t really care, I go to bed at 10:30 every night and he’s usually up telling his online girlfriends how great his life, how his family is perfect and how he’s skilled at everything. It’s strange that none of them pick up on the fact that he spends more time chatting to them than he does with his own family but chances are those he talks to are making the same excuses to their families so it’s hardly surprising.
No, what is surprising is the darkness. See when he sits up he likes to have as many lights on in the house as he can, the living room lights, the big screen TV, the kitchen lights (a bar of eight of them no less), the hallway light to the kids room, he even has to turn the bedroom light on when he comes in to use the en-suite toilet. I’m not sure if he’s scared of the dark, scared of what is in the dark or just afraid to be alone but when I go to bed even wearing a sleeping mask under a welders helmet wouldn’t see me in complete darkness.
So why was I in darkness last night? Twice I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling to make sure the flood of light entering from the lounge room was still there, it was. Once I checked the clock to see what time it was, it was barely 11:30 and the bright red digits were sending a red glow across the bed. Yet each time I closed my eyes the pitch black returned. At one point I even closed my eye lids slowly watching as the light slowly dimmed until the slits between my eye lids was so small my eye lashes blurred everything but the light, then a moment later complete blackness.
I heard him laughing at something, the TV was at such a low volume it was unlikely to be something he was watching. Then one of the kids came in, walking straight past their father who was too engrossed in what he was doing to see them and straight into the bedroom.
“Mummy I can’t find Muffin,” a small sleepy voice said in my ear.
Getting up in the middle of the night to a sleepless child is no ones favourite task but last night I actually welcomed it. Darkness might be my friend but complete darkness was beginning to drive me insane.
I returned from finding Muffin the stuffed teddy bear, got the same response from HIM as our daughter did so I went straight back to bed. Despite the last hour of opening and closing my eyes I still went back to bed with some hope and some expectation that I would sleep but of course that didn’t happen.
Again I saw darkness, a darkness so black that it actually frightened me and forced me to open my eyes wide. As soon as light flooded into my open eyes I felt a sense of relief but I still did not feel comfortable. There was laughter coming from the living room. I’m sure he was laughing at something one of his online girlfriends told him, probably laughing at one of their sad stories only to type something sweet, the kind of sweet things he stopped saying to me ages ago, but at that moment I was sure the laughter was aimed at me and my sleeplessness.
I wasn’t really hurt by the laughter, I was kind of used to it even when it was done behind my back but it still wasn’t helping me get to sleep. I closed my eyes again to find that same pitch black darkness but no sleep, I was so wide awake I didn’t think sleep would ever come but there also seemed to be a forced holding my eyes closed to keep me in the darkness.
Each time I closed my eyes the force holding them closed lasted for longer. I began counting the seconds my eyes were closed, the first time they stayed closed for twenty two seconds before an unknown forced told me I had to open them. The next five or six times those seconds became more eventually reaching forty seven before the invisible force took control.
Whatever was keeping me awake was also, weirdly enough, forcing me to close my eyes and keep them closed, while some other force was making me open them. I could explain none of it, but I also wasn’t sure I wanted to explain it, I just wanted sleep.
At 12:30 when HE thought I was asleep I heard the low moaning and groaning sound of one of his youtube collection, he often played them late at night while sweet talking his internet ladies. It’s part of the reason I always went to bed so early, I wanted to be asleep when he started watching his videos but last night like some evil punishment where I had to lay awake listening to the sounds of sex while forcing my eyes open and closed.
Just after 1am during one of my eyes closed moments I swear I felt something touch my shoulder. I was lost in the darkness, wide awake, eyes closed and aware of everything, including the sounds from the living room and on my bare right shoulder I felt the lightest of touches. I opened my eyes and was flooded with light from the other room but no one was standing there. My heart was beating faster than I ever thought it could beat but I scanned the room expecting to see someone, or something but also knowing there was nothing to see.
The darkness like I had never seen before was playing with my mind in such a way that it was beginning to convince me of things that weren’t there. And what’s worse is that it was working.
I struggled on for the next forty minutes, eyes open, eyes closed, darkness, light and pitch black, the only thing that changed was the feeling of being touched, that went from a single brief touch to a gentle scratch along the skin of my shoulder and bare arm. Each time I felt the touch my eyes opened without concious thought of doing so.
It wasn’t until some time after 2am during one of those closed eyes moments that the complete darkness was interrupted by a light but it wasn’t any light from the house. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn’t. I tried to shuffle in the bed, but I couldn’t. I could however still hear the sounds of HIS videos from the living room, he definitely had staying power with those videos, I just hoped he wasn’t doing something the kids, if they woke, would be shocked to see. I lay on the bed covered only with sheet, despite the warm temperatures I was shivering and sweating at the same time.
The darkness I was looking at was filled with the bright light of flames, orange and red flames with blue tips rising from nowhere. Although the flames were flickering and moving in the breeze I could neither feel or hear a sound from them, the only sounds were those coming from the living room, I was awake enough to know that but not able to open my eyes.
I watched the flames for what felt like an eternity, wide awake but unable to open my eyes. All sounds ceased, I had no idea why. Then in front of the flames appeared a shadowy figure, a figure draped in a hooded cape. Where the face should be was blackness and two red circle like eyes, the figure was carrying a glimmering silver sickle. If this was not the Grim Reaper coming for me I have no idea what the hell it was.
I then felt myself move up and down on the bed and just as the the Grim Reaper and the flames disappeared my eye lids shot open and I was in the darkness and silence of the bedroom lit only by the glowing red digits of the alarm clock. I was still coming to terms with the visions, the lack of sleep and the darkness that had covered me when I realised the movement on the bed was HIM finally getting sick of his internet and coming to bed. With the image of the Grim Reaper and his silver sickle still vivid in my mind I then felt that touch, a hand from my left hand side, moving over my hip and towards my crotch.
“Good you’re awake, how about it babe!” I heard him say from the other side of the bed.
In all Seriousness I have never before wished so hard to be asleep.
Happy Valentines day!