Ok so today was a bit of a dark day, the person I wanted to talk to didn’t seem to want to talk to me and shit just built up, then right when I was about to write something very dark I got caught up trying to edumacate another one of you American peoples in the Aussie ways.
So when I realised that poor American’s didn’t know what having bumnuts and yippie beans for breakfast was all about I figured it was time for a bit more edumacation. Think of this as my heartfelt effort to save you people in case you ever come down under. Beware some of these might be rude to some people and they might need a
Ok lets start with a few easy ones, the ones that confused today’s student.
Pie and dead horse: Now in this country we know what real pies are. They aren’t fruit filled pasties, that’s dessert you have with cream and ice cream. Real pies are meat filled sacks of pastry, with the top being made from a flaky pastry and to eat them properly they have to come straight out of an oven, not a microwave, and covered in Dead Horse which of course is rhyming slang for tomato sauce.
Bumnuts: Nut shaped items that fall out of chooks bums. Enjoy them scrambled, poached, fried, whatever, add bacon and dead horse and you’ve got the breakfast of champions.
Yippie Beans: You can add these to your breakfast as well, Heinz made them in 57 varieties and they are good for you because the more you eat the more you fart!
Bush oyster: nasal mucus, quite often removed with a bush hankie which is the achieved by holding the nostril without the oyster present closed and blowing hard enough to clear your nose. Easily done but watch your sneakers!
Chunder: Having a chunder is like having a technicolour yawn. Sometimes it happens after drinking too much piss, other times because you’re sick, but once you’ve had a good chunder and got rid of your stomach contents you usually feel much better. Again watch your sneakers!
Driving the porcelain bus: If you’re inside and you feel a chunder coming on head straight to the bathroom and drive the porcelain bus home.
Clacker: If someone tells you to stick it up your clacker, sit down! Same goes for sticking it up your date, they aren’t talking about the person you had dinner and drinks with they are talking about your arse. And for your own sake if someone tells you they need to scratch their freckle, look away!
Bulldozer: The guy who goes into the pub, digs up a root and then leaves
Wombat: The guy who never stays the night because he eats, roots and leaves.
Doovalacky: Now this is an important one, as a visitor to this country if you don’t know what a Doovalacky is you could easily get in trouble. A doovalacky is a word used whenever you can’t remember what something is called. Thingummyjig and whatsit also fit the bill here, but never get them mixed up because no one has a thingumalacky.
Dunny budgie: Everyone wants to avoid these, call them house flies, blowflies whatever you like but in this country they are often huge and they buzz around the dunny
A few kangaroos loose in the top paddock: We all know someone like this they are intellectually inadequate or stupid
Who opened their lunch?: Not widely used these days but it can still be heard on some building sites where a bunch of workers all sit down to have lunch together and lunch/tucker boxes are still used. It’s a simple question. Who farted?
Mystery bag: a sausage, so named because no one really knows what goes into a sausage even when they think they do!
Pig’s Arse!: Often heard when someone is not in agreement with someone else, you’re not a Pig’s Arse, it’s not ‘don’t be a Pig’s Arse’, it’s just Pig’s Arse!
Shark biscuit: somebody new to surfing. Of course I realise the problem with adding this is that Yanks really don’t know what a biscuit is, but lets face it sharks eat anything so the term still works.
Useful as tits on a bull: Would you want to hand milk a bull? No so obviously having tits on them is unhelpful or as a description for a person they are incompetent.
Slab: 24-pack of beer, 24 cans in a slab, 24 hours in a day, it’s not a coincidence.
Arse Over Tit: Try not to go Arse over Tit because you probably ended up sprawled on the footpath once your fall over.
She bangs like a dunny door in a hurricane: A woman only drunk single guys want to go home with because she has no morals and has sex with anyone.
Bog roll: Everyone needs bog roll, take it with you, take spares, know where it is at all times because the last thing you want to be searching for after relieving yourself is a bog roll. It plays havoc on your fingers if you have no bog roll to wipe with.
Could eat a horse and chase the rider, or Could eat the arse out of a low flying duck: Everyone has had this feeling and it’s not pleasant it means that you are more than just hungry, bordering on starving.
Duck’s disease: This occurs in short people, you know the kind they sit on the ground and their legs still dangle.
Face fungus: There seems to be a fascination with these things in today’s hip culture but while they have been around for years and never had a need to be fancy having a bit of face fungus means a bloke has a beard.
Going to see a man about a dog: If someone says this to you don’t ask too many questions because it’s a very common term used when a person doesn’t want to reveal where they are going.
Have a slash: This one has nothing to do with an ageing rock star but if someone is having a slash leave then in peace, or at very least tell them to shut the dunny door.
Lower than a snake’s belly: The worst kind of person, a person who wouldn’t think twice about doing something dodgy or something that hurts others. Sometimes these people are also called Ankles because they are three feet lower than an arsehole.
One eyed trouser snake: If someone asks if you want to see their one eyed trouser snake, first check they are male, then only look if you are interested in genitals.
Push shit uphill with a sharp stick: If you are pushing shit up hill with a sharp stick you are going to have trouble because you are attempting a hopeless task
Richard Cranium: If someone calls you this it may not be a mistake, so check if you are being one before reacting. Short for Richard? Short for Cranium?
No wukkin’ furries: No Fucking worries.
That’s it for this lesson, please show up again when you need some more edumacations in the way of the Aussie language.