“Shellow Ossifer” I said as I leant my head, well it kind of fell, out the open car window.
“Sir,” the office started, “Can you please step out of the car?”
“I doubt it, how about you step in!” I said offering the nice man an invitation he couldn’t refuse.
“Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Not at all Ossifer. I’m sober ash a judge! Havon ‘ad a drink in years.”
“Sir, I require you to blow into this tube.” He placed the tube on the end on the black box he was holding and removed the plastic wrap then pushed the tube towards my face. “One long breath until I say stop sir.”
I didn’t think he was giving me a choice so I moved my heavy head towards the tube and sucked. The officer pulled his hand away almost immediately. “Awe Ossifer, I didn’t get any, give me another shot!”
“Sir, I’m not going to repeat myself again. Blow in the tube until I say stop, if you fail to do so you will be arrested and taken back to the station.”
“Shit, he’s serious.” I thought and decided I best be serious too. It was them my wife spoke up from the passenger seat.
“Stop being an arse Barry. You were speeding and driving on the footpath and the nice officer only wants to give you the breathalyser. You should think yourself lucky!”
I glared at her so thankful for her help. “Ossifer I was doing nothing of the sort, I’m an upstanding citizen sitting in my car.”
“Don’t listen to him Officer, he always lies when he’s been drinking!”
I couldn’t believe they were both ganging up on me and I decided to prove them wrong, I grabbed the officers hand, pulled it towards me and blew into the little white tube. Once the machine beeped the officer pulled the tube away and waited for the result.
“Sir you have just blown more than triple the legal alcohol limit. Therefore you are now under arrest and required to accompany me back to the station. Please get out of the car.”
“Busshit Ossifer, your machine is faulty. It doesn’t work, I’m shober.”
“Sir the machine is not faulty, please step out of the car.”
“I can prove it.” turning my head and looking into the back seat pointing at our son I said. “Test him!”
The officer didn’t seem convinced but since he was by himself and I was refusing to get out of the car he must have decided it was an easy game to win and he opened the back door and leant in.
“Son, how old are you?” The officer asked.
“Seven, sir.” he answered in his most polite tone.
“Ok son, please blow into this tube until I say stop.”
He did and several seconds later the officer was apologising profusely. “I’m so very sorry sir, obviously the machine is faulty. My mistake, I am so very sorry for disbelieving you. Please accept my apologies, you are free to carry on.”
Ten seconds down the road I turned to my wife and said, “See I told you it was worth getting the kid pissed tonight!”