“Lay down, Tell me what has been done to you?”
“If I speak the words you want to hear will the demons run?”
The doctor sat down in his chair and rolled it closer across the uneven floor to where I lay on his couch. My eyes were closed and my forearm lay awkwardly across my forehead.
“There is a door between you are the rest of the world, only the truth can open it.” he said in a low hushed tone.
“But if I can’t understand the me, how can I explain it to you?”
“I can help you, understand the you!”
I can’t relax, my mind wont settle, my brain wont rest all I can do is lay there without movement and hope that what comes next is a move away from the darkness. I begin speaking in broken sentences, but I do not hear the words that come from my mouth.
“I constantly find myself laying under a wicked sky…Clouds so dark…The rumble of thunder constantly rolling through…I know not whether it’s night or day…There is no sun…There is no moon…I am paralysed…Is it stiff with fear? I do not know…Cracks appear in the cloud filled sky…No light penetrates…My blackened heart is beating, barely…I feel the scarring skin die, is that even possible?…Where is the sun?…Where is the Sun?”
Out of my silence I hear the doctors voice. Why has he waited so long to speak? Why has he let me lie here in silence for so long?
“Keep searching for the truth, keep looking for the door. This wont hurt.”
What is he talking about? I wonder. Then my voice continues and again I hear not what is coming from my mouth.
“She loves me…She loves me not…She can no longer feel love, not for herself, not for anyone…When we lay together she is dreaming of another…It is not love…It’s hate for the known, want for the unknown…She’s torn me apart…We both look at the same sky, but hers is darker…When she speaks her words tear my soul…Scars do not heal…I want to help…We lay side by side but I can not reach her…I want to help but she wont let me near…Pain, emotional pain…I want to help but can’t help myself.”
Again the doctors voice breaks the silence, . “Keep going, tell me what else you see.”
What is he talking about? I fall back into silence.
“The cracks in the sky are getting larger…The rumbling of the thunder louder…The cold stone upon which I lay trembles beneath me…I can sense her beside me but I can not touch her…I hear her labouring breath…I hear her sharp nails scratching skin…Skin already red raw with anger…I want to reach out and stop her…She is too far away…She is screaming in her sleep…Where is she?…I need to help…I want to help…There is no one else…Why wont she let me help.”
“Keep searching for the door, until you find the door you can not hope to reach her.” It’s the doctor’s voice again but I still have no idea what he is talking about.
“There is light breaking through the clouds…It’s a bright fork of light…The noise of the thunder is dropping…Rain begins to fall…Rain like I have never seen before…I roll to my left to cover her, protect her, but she is not there…Pelting rain, feels like piercing spikes hitting my skin…Almost instantly I am soaked to the bone…A gusting, chilly wind howls across my body…The wind feels like ice…I have to get up…I have to move…I continue to roll…hopelessly trying to escape the storm…I roll, protecting my face from the piercing rain…I roll until I feel something jab into my side…I risk it…I open my eyes…It’s a door handle.”
“Open the door.” I hear through the silence. What is he talking about?
“Pain too much…Can’t be set free…Never allowed to be me…Never allowed to feel…Never allowed to be named…Forever trapped…Forever held in her torture…Forever ignored…Forever left…Forever forgotten…Forever unforgiven.”