Stories

Another fucking name on the wall

Yesterday, was it yesterday? SouthernByDesign posted the following about depression 15 Things We Wish You Understood About Our Depression

At the time although I responded with a comment I could not say exactly what I wanted to, not because of censorship, not because I didn’t want to but because I didn’t have the words to say at the time. I’m not sure I have them now either but they have to go somewhere.

On Thursday afternoon while I was waiting at the school to pick up Miss 8 a friend of a friend turned up to pick her child up. We barely know each but we have both known Liza for 20 plus years (we all went to school together). Liza is not someone I stayed in contact with after leaving school, we would say hello if we ran into each other but that’s about it. However I worked with Liza’s husband, he drove a truck for our main competitor at the same time I did, kept the same stupid hours that I did and continued in the job after I left.

I saw Theo every day, our companies were rivals but we never were, we’d help each other pack shelves, deliver each others orders if it saved the other time and generally just talked shit whenever we met up in a car park or bread aisle. One day Theo delivered half a truck of my bread, after delivering his own because my truck broke down and I needed to wait two hours for a mechanic. If his boss had found out he spent that two hours delivering the rival company’s bread he’d have lost his job, but that’s just the kind of things we did when the bosses weren’t watching. Other than the occasional run in with Theo at the shops I hadn’t seen the guy much in the 10 years since I quit the job. On Thursday afternoon I found out there was a reason for that.

Since he lost his job Theo went on a downward spiral, a spiral that for several years no one really noticed, not even him. That spiral ended on Tuesday when he committed suicide leaving behind a wife and four kids ranging in age from six to seventeen.

Don’t get me wrong this isn’t a guilt post. I don’t feel guilty for not being there for Theo (maybe I should) but just like him when I quit work many of the ties I had with work died too. Whether that’s a male trait or not I don’t really know but whatever it is it happened.

Although I hadn’t seen Liza for a few years yesterday (Friday) through our mutual friend I spoke to her on the phone. (Trust me that is so out of the ordinary for me I still don’t believe I did it). I still don’t know why I agreed to it at the time but I agreed to go and see her this morning. Changing a few things around I bought myself 10 mins to duck in and see LIza.

Of course she’s still distraught, upset, whatever other words you can think of, the kids are pretty much just numb and the house is not a happy place. Despite not knowing her husband was suffering depression for the first few years Liza obviously still feels guilty, nothing but time will change that for her. Thankfully she has the support she will need to get through it.

Was 10-15 minutes enough for me? Yeah, I seriously don’t handle those situations well, just like I wont be going to the funeral, just like when SBD posted her post about depression I didn’t have the words to say.

However what was the worst part? When the kids got in the car and Miss 8 asked where I had been and I couldn’t tell her. Not because she’s too young, not because she can’t handle death, not because it’s a sad story. No it’s because I can’t admit to her that a person who worked the same job I did, a job she has really only ever heard the bad side of is dead and a large reason for that is because of what the job did to him.

lights-on-the-hill
Another fucking name on the wall

10 Comments

  1. Very sad to read this

  2. It is a very difficult thing to understand, when you are feeling okay with the world. So sorry. Men really are good at hiding things. They really need to find a safe environment to release their stuff, a good shrink comes to mind. They could call it marriage counseling. That sounds noble.

    • Hahah if they called it that the woman wouldn’t go 🙂

      The biggest problem is that the stigma needs to be removed, there is plenty of help out there but too many people don’t want to admit it happens to them and even more people don’t want to admit it happens to the people they care about.

  3. I hope you’re taking your feelings out in writing. Sorry.

  4. First, thanks so much for sharing the piece about depression. And for opening up about a difficult subject.

    I’m very sad to read this. Even as someone who deals with depression, I still struggle with knowing what to say at times to those who are in dark places. Unfortunately it is only by the right help and resources that these can find what they need to keep going- and even that is not always enough! I have not only myself but other family members that struggle. One in particular has been suicidal a couple times. Thankfully the help was in time. But, honestly it is not always enough. Some are too far gone. Some say it is selfishness, but until you have felt as though you are drowning and only you can make it stop- it really is not something that is easily understood.

    I do hope you feel no guilt. I’m sure his wife feels it immensely- but really even those closest to the depressed cannot fathom this illness.

    SBD ❤️

    • Thanks 🙂

      I know there is no justification for me to feel guilty, I might regret some things but in the end I couldn’t have changed anything .

      It really doesn’t matter what walk of life people come from depression doesn’t discriminate.

      My father went through a stage in his work place 20 years ago where 6 people over 13 years took their own lives because of it, of the 250 workers where he worked at any given time there was up to 30 people on stress leave.

      Too many people sit back and say “I know what depression is because I feel depressed but that’s not a reason to act like ‘x’ and do ‘y'” etc. They really have no idea. A person can have depression and almost function as normal until they hit that wall.

      It’s one thing not to see another person is drowning because they can hide it, it’s another thing to ignore it when you know it’s there, or walk away because it’s too hard. Too hard is what made the person drown in the first place.

  5. That’s so sad. Even if you had been there for him, he probably would have brushed it off. So You shouldn’t fell guilty.

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