Daily Prompt, humor, Music, serial fiction, Stories, thoughts, writing

Life in Song: If You Really Loved Me

Tim Minchin

Mark rushed home from another long night shift, he was tired and his brain wasn’t functioning as well as it should be for someone who was sharing the road with other people.
He was running on adrenalin and the thought that Steph would be home waiting for him.

He almost ran in the door hoping to find Steph still in bed and waiting for him.
“I wrote you a song baby” he called as he walked into the bedroom.
Knowing Mark’s inability to even string enough words together to make a four line poem Steph smiled and said, “Yeah this ought to be good.”
“Well I suppose I should warn you it’s of an adult nature and wont be suitable for everyone’s sense of humour but after as little sleep as I get my sense of humour is pretty bloody twisted.”
“Ok Mr Twisted let me have it.”
“You might be sorry.”
Mark broke out in song.

If you really loved me the way you say you do
If you love me half as much as I love you
You would pluck a planet from the sky
You’d use a star to dot the “I”
In “I love you”, that is what you’d do
You’d take a dreary day and you would paint it blue
If you loved me unconditionally
These are the things that you would do for me

Steph: Ok not too bad so far, in fact it’s nearly romantic
Mark: It gets better babe
Steph: Considering your skills as a poet I have my doubts.
Mark: I would too.

Because I need you
Like a fish needs the sea
Like a fire needs oxygen
Like a flower needs a bee
And if you really cared for me
You’d let me video you while you wee
Standing up in the bath – I shouldn’t even have to ask
Perhaps you’d even store a little more in a flask
These are just the things that people do
When their love for one another is true

Steph: *groan* Well I was warned I guess.
Mark: Yep I told you it got better.
Steph: Oh yeah so much better
Mark: Babe! It’s all about love and it’s all about my love for you
Steph: *laughing* You better not have a flask in your back pocket!

We go together
Like a cracker and Brie
Like racism and ignorance
Like bling and R&B
And if you really want to show you care
You’d let me wear your underwear
When we go to your mum’s, for a bit of harmless fun
I just like talking about your childhood with lace between my buns
There’s no reason for a big to-do
If you love one another, it’s true

Steph: *laughter* Oh my god you really were tired at work weren’t you
Mark: Awe come on I put a lot of thought into making these wonderfully rhyming words.
Steph: Oh yes I can see how much thought you put into wearing my underwear to mums place.
Mark: Is that a yes?
Steph: Only if that’s ALL you wear.
Mark: Aren’t we going there this weekend?

We go together
Like a bird and a nest
Like Internet and kiddie-porn
Like guns and the us
And if you love me like you say you do
You’d purchase thirty cockatoos
And teach them to fly in formation in the sky
And shit the words “Tim is God” on my ex-girlfriend’s Hyundai
Sure, it might be easier with doves
But shirking challenges is not what love’s all about
Love is not all wine and roses
Sometimes it’s handcuffs and cheese
No one said love is for free
And if you agree with that
You’d sing me passages from the Koran
Wearing nothing but your Bob the Builder hat
To the tune of Waltzing Matilda
I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and builder

Steph: Seriously? You can get all that in a love song? How about the word Ancient?
Mark: What can I say it must be true love.
Steph: Who is Tim?
Mark: Who cares it all rhymes!

Because I need you
Like a tick needs a tock
Like bananas need pyjamas
Like a nun needs c***
But if you want to put your love for me first
You wouldn’t go through childbirth
You’d agree to adopt, so that you could stay thin
We’ll get a Chinese kid – it could teach us Mandarin!
And communists don’t make as much noise
And they’re really good at sharing their toys

Steph: How many nuns do you know you dirty bugger?
Mark: None but it rhymes and kind of makes sense, especially to a dirty twisted mind.
Steph: The banana joke wont be understood by anyone outside Australia.
Mark: I’m not singing to them, I’m singing to you, pay attention!

Because I dig you
Like an Aussie digs pies
Like born-agains dig Jesus
Like Jesus dug guys
And if you love me unconditionally
You’d do my tax return for me
Cos it’s way overdue, and I just don’t know,
I guess I’m self-employed but do I still pay as I go?
And does the threshold apply to me?
And should I register for gst?
And if you love me unconditionally,
Would you let me video you while you wee?
(Assuming there’s nothing worth watching on tv)

Steph: So many romantic topics you’ve brought up.
Mark: So I get a pass mark for my tired twisted poem writing?
Steph: Yes, but you’d get more points if you wrote it yourself.
Mark: Can Is till claim it as a love song? As OUR love song?
Steph: If I see a flask you are in trouble.
Mark: I notice you never said anything about seeing a video camera to film it


  1. So Hubby had my tablet, LOL, and I showed him he could listen to the song. I see a trip down under in my future.

    • I hope I didn’t influence hubby into listing to stuff he’ll get in trouble for. 🙂 Tim is a funny (and extremely talented) bugger but he’s also the sort of person who doesn’t mind who he offends.

      If you’re coming down under plan well, it’s small compared to the US but there is a lot to see. I’ve been here 40+ years, driving in all but two states and still not scratched the surface.

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