Donkeys On Acid
“Hey I’ve worked it out!” exclaimed Danny.
“Worked out what? Why your IQ is in single figures?” asked Benji.
“And you’re a genius aren’t you? Nah, I’ve worked out how to make us megastars!” Danny replied.
“Oh yeah this will be good.” Benji joked.
Benji and Danny were like a million other wannabe musos out there, struggling in the garage and trying to figure out how to write that one song that would give them their Breakthrough. With Danny on lead guitar and vocals and Benji on drums they’d long ago given up looking for the million dollar riff in favour of looking for a hook, something that made them popular, something that made them unforgettable. Even if it was only for fifteen minutes, in reality they;d be happy with fifteen seconds of fame.
With the revolving door of players that went through their band they once considered making up a story about band members exploding on stage, unfortunately for them the idea only came to them after watching This Is Spinal Tap. Truth was they were nothing more than average and their attitude that no one else could write their way to stardom ensured any decent musician that went through their band didn’t stay long.
“I’ve been studying what is popular and who is spending all the money and I reckon I’ve come up with two new paths we have to follow. And the best bit is we don’t need any special skills to do it.”
Throughout their lack lustre career Donkeys on Acid had tried many and varied paths to popularity and through each attempt they failed to break anything other than a sweat. And with some paths they failed to even break that.
In the 90’s they toned down, tuned up the volume and grew their hair and tried to take on the heavy metal scene. In the 00’s they tried pop music in an effort to break into the top 40 but nothing seem to work. Of course they blamed everything from the session players they used to stupid A&R reps not knowing how good their music really was. However they never once came to the conclusion that they were just crap.
“Ok so what’s this great idea you have?” Benji asked still somewhat intrigued.
“Yep! Kiddies are going stupid about it. We write songs about being rebellious, songs about how hard life is as a teenager. You know, shit like school sucks, relationships suck, don’t be a bully. The kind of crap that kids in school think is important.” Danny said excitedly.
“You’re nearly 40 years old and dropped out of school at 15 to become a guitarist, what do you know about school kids these days?”
“We don’t need to know that much. We just look at Facebook, find out what kids are talking about, rhyme some words and then twang a few tunes. Shit, if we do it right the music doesn’t even need to be that good. We can even throw in a few growls every few lines, kind like my old death metal growl, and the kids will love it.”
“And what’s going to make us different to all the other mediocre bands already doin’ that with record contracts?” Benji asked.
“We’ve got experience.”
Even Benji held back a laugh at that comment. “Ok genuis what’s your second idea?”
“Ok this one’s a little more difficult to write for but it’s pretty much the same music, the same missed notes and half tuned chords, no growls and volume to hide all the mistakes.”
Danny continued. “Ok this one has success written all over it. We write songs about relationships and how stupid they are. Songs about lovers leaving each other. Song about kicking lovers out because they are morons.”
“How is that going to make us famous?”
“Have you been listening to the shit that’s on the radio lately?”
“Mate, I hate to burst your bubble but,” Benji tried hard to hold back his laughter. “You haven’t even dated a girl in fifteen years. How are you going to write something about relationships?”
Danny broke into song.
“My boyfriend’s a dick
I’m kicking him out quick
I don’t need his crap
It’s time to give him a map
I didn’t know I was unhappy
With this little chappy
Until my girlfriend’s told me
He had a dodgy knee.”
Benji couldn’t help himself this time, he broke out laughing. “That’s absolute crap. There is no way that stuff is going to make us stars.”
“That’s where you are wrong buddy. Check out Number 1 on the charts this morning. It’s called Dodgy Knee by The Strange Janes.”