Snowflake the Polar Bear episode 1

Like my friend Big Bear, the plush white polar bear with the green hat, green scarf and 2005 tattoo on his foot, who has been tasked with the job of keeping L.P. sane, I have been tasked with the similar and equally important job of keeping Mrs L.P. (Jen) sane.

Compared to L.P. Jen is a smaller, more condensed and cuter version of these human creatures we live with. Just like I’m a smaller, more condensed version of Big Bear. I also have a green hat, green scarf but I have no tattoo and I am a lot cuter, although don’t tell Big Bear that.

Big Bear claims that keeping Jen sane is a lot easier job than keeping L.P. sane and whilst I admit that it’s true in part, Jen is also no walk in the park. Her often quick wit, hilarious one liners and put downs, the infectious laugh and ability to brighten up any room she walks in do make the job seem easy but trust me, it’s not!

Take last Wednesday as an example. I was casually walking through the lounge and into the kitchen where Jen was sitting at the table having morning tea. My plan was to plonk myself in the chair beside her, talk to about how her day was going, make sure she didn’t have writers block and generally make sure her mind was in a good place. But instead as I stepped through the archway between the kitchen and the lounge the analogue clock with Homer Simpson on the face sailed over my head. I immediately stopped.

“What the Fu…?” I said a little louder than I expected as the clock slammed into the plasterboard wall.

After leaving a large dent with jagged edges of white plasterboard jutting into the wall cavity the clock then fell to the floor. The carpet although soft was not enough to protect the clock from further damage as the plastic face cover broke into four prices and spread themselves across the floor. One of the clock hands, the hour hand I think it was, came free, the other one bent outwards and several bits and pieces I couldn’t identify immediately also hit the floor.

I turned back to look at Jen just in time to see a digital clock following the same trajectory as it’s analogue counterpart. Involuntarily ducking and stepping to one side I turned again to see the next projectile bounce off the wall slightly higher than the first one. The dent left in the wall was larger and squarer thanks to the size difference but the destruction of the wall was no less impressive.

Being of slightly stronger construction the casing of the digital clock survived its flight better however the second it hit the floor the battery compartment flew open, two of the four batteries bounced out and the display immediately went off. We’d later find out the liquid crystal display was cracked but from where I stood that was not instantly obvious.

Still not sure what the hell was going on I quickly decided to take refuge behind the kitchen bench and sneaked my way toward Jen using it as protection. At the end of the bench I leant forward and peaked around the corner, Jen was sitting at the table typing furiously on her computer. It looked safe so I made my move and bolted across the kitchen floor. I didn’t stop until I was standing next to the table leg.
“What’s going on Jen?” I said risking a look up at her from around the table leg.
I got no response but the typing continued so I waited a few seconds and tried again.

“Hey sweetie, there seems to be a few things flying around the house that shouldn’t be, anything you want to talk about?”

“Ssshhhh, typing.”

I ssshhhed.

I waited several minutes until the typing stopped and tried again using a different approach.

“Think I’m going to call NASA, there seems to be a few UFO’s flying around here today.”

“They aren’t unidentified.” Jen replied smartly.

“Ok fair enough but they are still objects that don’t usually fly around the house. What’s going on? Have I failed in my job of keeping you sane and this is you cracking up?”

“Don’t be silly, I’m just gathering facts for a scene in the book.”

“Ok and there is no other way to get those facts than putting holes in our walls?”

“Gotta get the facts straight, our readers aren’t idiots, they pick things up you know.”

“What are you going to tell L.P. when he sees the holes in the wall?”

“I’ll tell him it was lucky we didn’t have a grand father clock handy!”

And Big Bear has the nerve to say I have the easy job!!!